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Two months in

I am now two months into the mothering thing and I am only just beginning to find my feet. It´s been wonderful and difficult and frustrating and rewarding and a million other things. It will take me a while to catch up with my own feelings, let alone to write them down in some coherent form on this blog.

The birth was a big trauma for me. Not at all what I expected (she says shaking her head in disbelief). But that´s a topic for another day when I feel like reliving the whole thing. Come to think of it, maybe that is the reason why pregnant women never tell you about their labour… 😉

Sometimes I look at baby and just wonder at how amazing it is that she is actually here, after all that happened to us. And I must say that considering all the anxiety and stress that I felt during the pregnancy, she is a remarkably relaxed and happy baby (phew!). Part of me feared that I might have already screwed her up in the womb…

Being a mother is wonderful and I wouldn´t change it for anything in the world, but it´s also a tough and sometimes lonely job. As soon as baby was born, all the older women in my life starting saying things like ´Hang in there, it gets better´, ´this is the loneliest time of your life, but you will get through it´, ´it´s tough but try to enjoy ever moment, they grow up so fast´… The first couple of weeks after the birth, I felt very low. The feeling would creep up on me in the evenings. I suddenly wondered whether I would be able to cope and to give this lovely baby everything she needed and deserved. Being the one responsible for feeding her was a huge weight on my shoulders. I was afraid I wouldn´t have enough milk and that she would starve and of course this just made the whole breastfeeding process more stressful. The thought of this tiny person being totally dependent on me for something as basic and indispensable as food was intimidating. Now I had heard of the baby blues and I knew all of these feelings were quite normal but they still took me by surprise. I thought that the only things I would be feeling would be grateful and lucky to be able to finally hold my baby girl in my arms. It took me some time to admit that this is how I was feeling and when I spoke to a friend about it, she admitted that she had felt the same way and that is was perfectly normal. Fortunately all of those feelings have now gone and I am beginning to feel much more settled into my new role.

And now onto happier and more important things:

Baby girl, I can´t believe you are already two months old! I can´t believe we´ve actually made it to the other side and that you are now safely tucked up in your bed in the other room. I love you so much, more than I could ever have imagined.

She’s here

Our baby girl arrived (late.. Make that VERY late) on tuesday the 5th of October at 22.03, weighing 3.3kg and 52cm long. Labour lasted three days(yes, crazy) and ended with an epidural, a vacuum extraction and ( wait for it… Drum roll) a retained placenta ( it would not come out on it’s own so I had to have a d and c and bled profusely…). More on the horrors of my labour later but now it’s baby time. She’s beautiful! The first couple of weeks were really tough but it’s getting better now ( more on that later too)

She’s FINALLY here!! Yay! 🙂

40w6d and WAITING

My beautiful baby girl,

Your room is ready, your little cot is ready, there are coloured wooden elephants waiting to entertain you, your grandparents are all here counting the minutes until you arrive and your daddy and I are aching to meet you.

Please come out soon my love. It´s time now.

xxxx

40w3d…

and nothing to show for it…

Well, that´s not completely true. The doc did say on Monday that my cervix was very soft and starting to dilate (they don´t give you any more details than that here, no idea why). So that was very encouraging. But then today I went to the hospital (they have handed me over to the clinic now) and they didn´t give me a pelvic exam so I have no idea if I have progressed since Monday. They just gave me an ultrasound to make sure she still had enough amniotic fluid and to take some measurements. Everything seemed fine. In fact, she seems to be quite a big baby in the end (help!). They said that if everything is fine and the baby and I don´t develop any problems, then they won´t induce until 12 days after the due date. Reason is that inducing (doctor´s words) is ´bad´ and that if left to their own devices, babies usually decide to come on their own (again, doc´s words).

I guess it really depends on how the baby is doing in the womb. If all is well, then yes, I see no logical reason to induce unless the baby starts to get too big to deliver normally….(help!)

So here we are: 40 weeks and 3 days and still no baby. I think this is going to take a LONG TIME.

SIGH.

40w1d

No news. SIGH.

The 26th of September has come and gone.

I have a doctor´s appointment later this evening but I doubt there will be any sign of progress. Of course, I am secretly hoping he will say my body is on the brink of popping her out and I will continue to hold onto that small hope until he says otherwise, but I know nothing is going on. I don´t feel anything except for some twinges in my back and that might have come from doing prenatal yoga when I am bigger than a house.

Ok. Positive thinking. She WILL come soon. There WILL be signs of progress.

Maybe I should consider renaming this blog…

Just back from the doctor´s again and nothing has changed. NOTHING. ZERO.

SIGH.

Baby´s head is still down but not engaged. She has no intention of leaving. The doc just said it would be awhile yet without specifying how long, so T asked whether it could be as long as another 1 or 2 weeks and he said yes. SIGH.

Baby is due on Sunday but we have an appointment with the doc again on Monday. He is going to check that she´s doing ok and then it´s visits to the hospital every two days after that until she decides to come or they decide to induce.

I don´t want to be induced!! I DON´T!

Ok, so I sat down and tried to think through why I find this so depressing. I love having her close to me and if she´s not ready to come out yet, what´s the problem? Sure, I am impatient, I want to hold her and I am SO uncomfortable, but the most important thing is that she comes when she´s ready, right? I think the problem is that I am scared. I am scared that the longer she is in there, the riskier it is for her. What if something goes wrong? I can´t see what´s going on in there. I want her to come out so that I keep an eye on her and look after her. 😦 I think this is the real problem: until she comes out, I continue to be afraid that she won´t make it. I realize this is a bit hysterical on my part, but I can´t help it. 😦

I´m also scared of being induced because of the pain and the increased likelihood of having an assisted delivery with forceps or vacuum. It just doesn´t sound right.

So there we are. 39 weeks and 5 days and no sign of our baby girl coming any time soon.

Question

I´ve been meaning to write about this for some time now. I have a question. Sometimes I feel something that can only be described as our baby girl trembling or shaking (it feels a bit like a wet dog shaking its coat when it comes in from the rain…!!). It doesn´t happen everyday and it only lasts a few seconds. It´s quite a funny feeling really. But I wonder whether I am the only one experiencing this.

I asked the Doc about it today and he just laughed and said he had no idea what it was but not to worry.

Has anyone else experienced this?