Buried

I feel like I am being buried. The sadness and the fear get heavier and heavier by the minute. Layer upon layer of sadness are being shoveled on top of me and there is nothing I can do but gasp frantically for air. I want the pain to stop. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to be strong, I want to look beyond, I want to be normal.

I don’t know what all of this means yet, but there has to be some sense to this.

It’s bizarre and unfair that with the benefit of hindsight I now realize that I should not have been so worried , so pessimistic, the first time round. One loss is (unfortunately, absurdly) normal. It is tragic, but it is completely normal.

Two losses, well that is less common. And it scares me.

I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could go back to the time before the losses, before the pain, and somehow stop of all this from happening.

Don’t we all.

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Silence

There was no heartbeat. The embryo did not develop. Another missed miscarriage they say. On Monday, they take it out and then come the (genetic) tests.

I feel so lost and so betrayed by my own body. Why is this happening?

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To my hubby

Thank you for coming home to take care of me.
Thank you for being there when I needed you most.
Thank you for making the call I couldn´t make.
Thank you for being you.
I love you

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Size matters

So if anyone is reading this (I have my doubts…;) ) then you will have guessed that my silence after the Dr´s appointment was a bad sign.

Off I went, heart pounding, palms sweating, stomach churning…

” Do you have some good news for me?” asks my doctor.

“Yes, I took a test and it´s positive” I say softly. I want to start crying and confess to him how totally, desperately, utterly terrified I am that it will go wrong again. But I don´t.

After asking me about my dates and my (lack of) symptoms, he takes me straight into the room to have an ultrasound. I can´t bring myself to look at the screen, so I keep my head turned the other way.

“There´s definitely a pregnancy”, he says.

(deep breath)

“It´s in the uterus”

(another deep breath)

“I don´t see any cysts or anything else”

(I slowly turn my head to look at the screen)

” Looks ok so far” he says. I get off the chair and then I ask : “But shouldn´t there be a heartbeat? I think I am already 6 weeks into the pregnancy”. He shakes his head. “no, it is too early.”

Then as if something has suddenly occurred to him, he goes quickly back to his desk, fumbles through his files and takes out a chart. “Ah. Wait” (here we go, I thought). “You are right. It is a bit too small, I am sorry”.

I can´t believe what I am hearing. I am going to be a recurrent miscarrier! This will be my life from now on. I am never going to carry a pregnancy to term.

“Are you sure?” I ask. “Please, let´s check the dates again.” So we do and we find that the embryo is only 2.5 mm when it should be at least 3 mm.

Over the past two days, I have had my blood drawn twice to see if my HCG levels are rising. So far they are. Tomorrow, we go in for a second ultrasound to see if there has been any growth.

Needless to say I am going crazy. After spending a day and a night bawling my eyes out, feeling myself drown in grief, I decided it was time to pick myself up. There is a still a chance. And as long as there is a chance, no matter how small it might be, I have to behave as though I were pregnant.

I don´t dare hope and yet a part of me can´t help it. I desperately hope that everything will be ok. And if it´s not, I don´t know what I´m going to do.

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Anxiety

I haven´t slept. I am so so so worried. I have my first appointment at the Dr´s this evening and I am finding it impossible to think about anything else.

I got up this morning feeling completely ´unpregnant´(ok so that word doesn´t exist, but you know what I mean…). So out came the last remaining pregnancy test. This is a pretty silly thing to do since I am not bleeding and have no other symptoms of miscarriage (your body has to rid itself of the placenta for your hcg levels to drop). But experience has taught me that sometimes miscarriages can be symptomless too. Your body just doesn´t realize it´s over (or maybe, it just doesn´t want to admit that it´s over).

Back to the pregnancy test: the result was positive. I guess I should take that as a good sign, but I am finding it hard. I don´t trust my body anymore.

The thing is, I realize that even anticipating the worst won´t make me any more able to deal with the bad news, should it come. So all this pessimism is pretty futile. I should be hoping for the best. Today, to my knowledge, I am pregnant. The rest is out of my hands.

Fingers crossed that all will be well.

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Symptomless pregnancy?

It’s day five into this new pregnancy and I think I can safely say that I am not taking this in the calm, grown- up way I had hoped.

I still don’t have any symptoms. Well ok that is not completely true, but I certainly don’t feel anywhere near as bad as I did last time. Still no sore breasts. The only thing I really feel is a bit bloated and sometimes a little tired. But then I remind myself that it is WAY too early to be feeling anything. Or better, it is NORMAL if you don’t feel anything at this stage…. right? Right.

Now I have to decide whether to go to the doctor next week for a first check up. T will be away the whole of next week and I am not sure I am strong enough to go on my own. Just being in the room where I heard those terrible words last time ( ‘I’m so sorry. There was a heartbeat last time”) is too much to bear. What if he says the same thing again? I just don’t think I could cope on my own. But at the same time, I think it is best to go and see what’s going on. Maybe it’s already over. Wouldn’t it be too awful to spend another week thinking I am pregnant when I am not?

Ok so I’m hysterical.

If anyone is looking at this and has been through the same thing, please write. It would be such a comfort.

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Positively positive

I spent the whole night tossing and turning, drifting in and out of consciousness. One question occupied my mind obsessively: should I take a test in the morning if my period has not arrived? I found it impossible to rid myself of the anxieties that accompanied this thought. What if the test is negative and my period never arrives? Does that mean I am not ovulating? Has the miscarriage messed up my cycles forever? Will I ever get pregnant again?

So much for positive thinking! I meant to stay positive about the whole experience and in that way maybe cheat the universe into granting me what I so wish for (which, of course, is NOT how positive thinking works)

Anyway, finally at around 7.00 I realized I was not going to get anymore sleep so no point in kidding myself. I got up and went to the kitchen, pregnancy test in one hand and What to Expect Before you are Expecting in the other. I read and re-read the chapter about negative results. Keep positive. Put the past month behind you and move on to the next. Right, I thought, here we go.

Out came the test. One excruciatingly long minute staring at the timer on the screen and then the words ‘pregnant’ appeared. No, it must be some kind of joke! It can’t be! Oh yay, yay, yay! Another minute or so and then the numbers ‘2-3’. Two to three weeks pregnant?! Me?! T came downstairs and took one look at my face before saying “it’s positive isn’t it? I knew it”.

But now I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t feel pregnant. I don’t have any of the symptoms I had last time. My breasts don’t hurt! Does this mean this one is doomed too? I want to be happy, I do.

I have to think positive thoughts! This one will stick!

I’m terrified.

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To test or not to test

My period is due in 3 days. I think I have symptoms but then again it could just as easily be PMS. Should I test early? In a way that would put me out of my misery. I will probably get a BFN and then I can just resign myself for this month and move on with my life. That sounds pretty sensible to me.

But something is stopping me. Could it be the crushing disappointment that will come with a BFN? Umm. Yes, that would be it.

So here is my dilemma: live in denial (or hope, depending on how you look at it ) for a couple of more days or just face the facts and get on with it.

Of course, testing 3 days early won´t actually settle the matter…

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In limbo

I am in that place again. I hate being here. My period is due in 4 days and I am hoping, hoping that this will be our month! Ok so I don´t have ALL the symptoms I had last time, but some of them are definitely there: exhaustion (or is that because I am thinking about this 24/7?), feeling bloated, a little bit of nausea….

That´s not nearly convincing enough is it? Sigh.

The one symptom I do not have (and that I did have last time) is very sore breasts…

In the past week, two more of my friends have told me that they are pregnant. One of them is pregnant with her second child. The other woman is in her late 40s and suffered a miscarriage around the same time I did. She is now pregnant again.

I hate being here.

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Trying again

It´s been four months now since T and I miscarried. We were told to wait at least 3 months before trying again. So after much debate over what the Dr. meant by 3 months (did he mean 3 cycles?), we decided that the waiting period was up  and it was time to try again. I hoped it would happen much as it did the first time: me blissfully unaware of what my body should be doing  (or not doing as the case may be) and  T just enjoying all the loving.  But something had definitely changed. First of all I found myself  worrying that we were not BD-ing enough. This really drove T crazy! Then I spent all my time analyzing myself to see if I could feel any of the tell-tale pregnancy signs. I kept prodding my breasts to see if they were sore (after all the prodding they certainly started to feel sore…). I even began to feel nauseous. This must be a good sign, I thought. I kept making promises to myself to relax and lead as healthy a life as possible while I waited for testing day to come round. Was this really me? Had I really become this pregnancy obsessed person?

After what seemed like an eternity, it was time to test. My period was 1 day late. Out came the testing kit. My hands were shaking as I unwrapped and performed the test. I didn´t expect it to hit me quite so hard.  I closed my eyes and tried to tell myself that it would all be ok even if the test was negative. I would try harder next month, be healthier, exercise more. One more month would also give my lining more time to heal…

Negative. Yup. Very clearly a negative.

Surely this was not how it was supposed to go! Pregnancy will never be the same for me again. I knew it.

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