Symptomless pregnancy?

It’s day five into this new pregnancy and I think I can safely say that I am not taking this in the calm, grown- up way I had hoped.

I still don’t have any symptoms. Well ok that is not completely true, but I certainly don’t feel anywhere near as bad as I did last time. Still no sore breasts. The only thing I really feel is a bit bloated and sometimes a little tired. But then I remind myself that it is WAY too early to be feeling anything. Or better, it is NORMAL if you don’t feel anything at this stage…. right? Right.

Now I have to decide whether to go to the doctor next week for a first check up. T will be away the whole of next week and I am not sure I am strong enough to go on my own. Just being in the room where I heard those terrible words last time ( ‘I’m so sorry. There was a heartbeat last time”) is too much to bear. What if he says the same thing again? I just don’t think I could cope on my own. But at the same time, I think it is best to go and see what’s going on. Maybe it’s already over. Wouldn’t it be too awful to spend another week thinking I am pregnant when I am not?

Ok so I’m hysterical.

If anyone is looking at this and has been through the same thing, please write. It would be such a comfort.

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Positively positive

I spent the whole night tossing and turning, drifting in and out of consciousness. One question occupied my mind obsessively: should I take a test in the morning if my period has not arrived? I found it impossible to rid myself of the anxieties that accompanied this thought. What if the test is negative and my period never arrives? Does that mean I am not ovulating? Has the miscarriage messed up my cycles forever? Will I ever get pregnant again?

So much for positive thinking! I meant to stay positive about the whole experience and in that way maybe cheat the universe into granting me what I so wish for (which, of course, is NOT how positive thinking works)

Anyway, finally at around 7.00 I realized I was not going to get anymore sleep so no point in kidding myself. I got up and went to the kitchen, pregnancy test in one hand and What to Expect Before you are Expecting in the other. I read and re-read the chapter about negative results. Keep positive. Put the past month behind you and move on to the next. Right, I thought, here we go.

Out came the test. One excruciatingly long minute staring at the timer on the screen and then the words ‘pregnant’ appeared. No, it must be some kind of joke! It can’t be! Oh yay, yay, yay! Another minute or so and then the numbers ‘2-3’. Two to three weeks pregnant?! Me?! T came downstairs and took one look at my face before saying “it’s positive isn’t it? I knew it”.

But now I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t feel pregnant. I don’t have any of the symptoms I had last time. My breasts don’t hurt! Does this mean this one is doomed too? I want to be happy, I do.

I have to think positive thoughts! This one will stick!

I’m terrified.

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To test or not to test

My period is due in 3 days. I think I have symptoms but then again it could just as easily be PMS. Should I test early? In a way that would put me out of my misery. I will probably get a BFN and then I can just resign myself for this month and move on with my life. That sounds pretty sensible to me.

But something is stopping me. Could it be the crushing disappointment that will come with a BFN? Umm. Yes, that would be it.

So here is my dilemma: live in denial (or hope, depending on how you look at it ) for a couple of more days or just face the facts and get on with it.

Of course, testing 3 days early won´t actually settle the matter…

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In limbo

I am in that place again. I hate being here. My period is due in 4 days and I am hoping, hoping that this will be our month! Ok so I don´t have ALL the symptoms I had last time, but some of them are definitely there: exhaustion (or is that because I am thinking about this 24/7?), feeling bloated, a little bit of nausea….

That´s not nearly convincing enough is it? Sigh.

The one symptom I do not have (and that I did have last time) is very sore breasts…

In the past week, two more of my friends have told me that they are pregnant. One of them is pregnant with her second child. The other woman is in her late 40s and suffered a miscarriage around the same time I did. She is now pregnant again.

I hate being here.

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