Swimming

So our baby seems to be quite the swimmer! Yesterday we saw baby swirling around, moving those tiny arm and leg buds every which way as if to say: “quit poking and prodding and just let me be!” Or maybe that was the way I was feeling. I kept on giggling (baby was so funny!) and every time I laughed my uterus would shake and baby would squirm around even more.

Yesterday we learned that baby’s brain is developing and that baby is more head than body this week. We are now 9 weeks and four days. My 10 week milestone is approaching and of course, my anxiety is building up. The doctor was happy with what he saw and felt there was “no medical reason” to come next week. So our next appointment is 3 weeks from now when I will (hopefully) be 12 weeks along. I freaked out of course and asked him whether I could come in earlier if the anxiety gets too much and he said there’s no problem. I am going to try and keep my cool and not go in next week but I don’t know whether I will be strong enough.

I have already put on lots of weight (2 kilos already!) and am finding it hard to fit into my clothes. I keep on wearing the same pair of jeans day in and day out (charming, I know). The other thing I just can’t seem to shake off is the tiredness. I am tired ALL the time. Every little thing I set out to do feels like a major mission. But I still drag myself out for a swim whenever I can.

So for the next few days I am going to try my best to be optimistic and just enjoy the pregnancy (well, enjoy is a big word, but you know what I mean…) and whenever I feel low, I will remember how baby was swimming away in my belly and take that as a good sign of many happy baby moments to come.

We love you baby! Please make it!

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MisDiagnosed?

The weekend after the ´diagnosis´was terrible. T and I struggled to keep our heads above water. Then on the Sunday, we somehow managed to pull ourselves together. We had an appointment planned with the genetic counsellor for the following Friday and I was determined to find out why this kept on happening to us. I alternated between despair (we will never have a baby!) and a kind of numbness, but I had a sense of purpose. I would find out what was wrong and get someone to help us fix it.

On Sunday night, I asked T to take me out for a glass of wine and a nice dinner to take my mind off the D and C the next day. As we were making our way to the restaurant, T´s phone rang.

“Dr? Yes? What? Is that good or bad? OK we are coming right away´. I looked at T, he was wide-eyed and trembling. “The Dr has told us to come to his office immediately because he has just picked up the blood test results from Friday and he needs to talk to us”. It was 9 o´clock at night!

So off we went. The Dr opened the door to his clinic (eerily silent and devoid of the usual bustle of happy pregnant women) and took us over to his desk to show us the results. He was completely dumbfounded: my HCG levels had nearly tripled.

“I don´t know what this means” he said. “I don´t want to give you false hope, but I most certainly cannot operate tomorrow. Your levels need to be going down for me to be able to operate, not shooting up the way they have.”

So I start crying and suddenly I can´t stop. I have hope again and I don´t know whether this is the best thing in the world that could have happened to us or the worst. Will I have to face the loss all over again in a couple of days? I don´t think I can take it.

We went in again the next day (Monday) for another blood test and on Tuesday for an ultrasound. There it was! Our tiny, little one, with a sweet, flickering heartbeat. The most beautiful sight in the world! The Dr warned us that we were not out of the woods yet and to come back on the Friday for more blood tests and another ultrasound. The two day wait was almost unbearable. It was hard to get my head around the fact that maybe all was not lost. Then Friday finally came and there on the ultrasound screen was the heartbeat and a slightly bigger baby!!

I am now in week 7 and yesterday I had another ultrasound. Baby is still there and is growing (1 cm now!). But as the Dr keeps on telling me, we are not out of the danger zone yet. He wants us to get at least to week 10 and until then, we remain cautiously hopeful.

Needless to say I am an even bigger nervous wreck than before, if that´s possible. I am aware of every symptom (or lack of) and of every little twinge or cramp. I want to believe this pregnancy will work out, I do, but I can´t help fearing the worst. And then I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I am not braver and stronger for the sake of this baby.

Next week we go in for the week 8 ultrasound and I pray, pray, pray the baby´s heart will still be beating and that it will have grown some more.

I love you baby, please make it.

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