What´s in a date anyway?

The doctor finally called us back at seven o´clock last night. T and I were sitting on the couch just staring at the phone, waiting for it to ring and set us free.

The Dr says not to worry. Apparently, the only information the lab had was the crown to rump length of the baby and so based on that, they estimated how far along I was. The Dr also said that we shouldn´t worry about “a few mm´s here and there”. Hmmm.

So the amnio is still scheduled for next Wednesday. I´m scared. But then again, I am always scared.

The good news is we´re off on holiday tomorrow and not back again until Tuesday. I plan to forget about everything during this time and just relax.

Famous last words…

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Size again

So the results of the first trimester screening came in yesterday. They were excellent. T and I were basking in the positive stats when I noticed something that has totally freaked me out. It said I was 11 weeks 5 days and not the 12 weeks 4 days that we thought I was. See?! I told you that measurement was dodgy. I knew something was up. Baby was only measuring at 5.1 mm (yes, ok that would be really scary! ha ha I meant 51 mm or 5.1 cm!!) and that is too small for 12 weeks and 4 days or so it seems to me based on my research.

We are calling the doc this afternoon to find out what this means. One thing it could mean is that the amnio gets postponed for another week. So instead of having it next week, when we thought I would be 15 weeks 3 days, we will have to do it the week after. That really would not bother me at all.

I hope baby is ok and that this wasn´t a warning sign that something is about to go wrong. Was baby´s growth slowing down to a halt? Is baby still there?

I have a pretty visible bump now so I hope that bodes well …

I love you sweet baby. Please grow big and strong for your mummy and daddy, ok?

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Week 12

The day before our doctor’s appointment I imagined how nice it would be if I could just send my ‘body’ with T to the appointment while I stayed at home and waited for the results. I was so anxious. I couldn’t imagine myself lying down on that bed and then waiting for the doctor to tell me whether the baby was still there or not.

As soon as we got there, the nurses took my blood pressure. It was sky high and my heart rate had doubled. The nurse looked at me sympathetically and said I was clearly very nervous and not to worry so much. Anyway, in we went and I told the doctor that my breasts had stopped hurting completely. Remember how last time he said it was ok for your symptoms to go? Well, this time he looked very concerned. “They don’t hurt at all?” he asked. “No, they don’t. Look!” and I pushed and prodded them in front of him. “Right, let’s go and take a look”.

So I lay down. Out came the cold gel. Then the pressure of the ultrasound wand on my lower belly, searching for baby. My eyes were closed but then I sneaked a peek and all I could see was a round ball. Here we go, I thought. It looked like a baby last time and now it looks like a ball! It’s finished. I nearly burst into tears when the doc said “there is the heart, see?” And there on the screen was a beautiful little baby, touching it’s tiny head with it’s tiny newly formed hand. T was ecstatic. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. “You’re very traumatised” the doc said. “But the time for being negative has passed. It’s time to be positive now, ok?”

I nodded. I’ll try.

So then we measured baby. I was expecting to see a 6 cm baby. That is what I see everywhere as the measurment for 12 weeks. But baby was only 5.3 (I think the Doc said 5.1 but T says it was 5.3). I was afraid the Doc would say this was too small. But after checking his charts, he said it was absolutely fine. I know I have to trust him, but I am still afraid that this means something is wrong and that we will find out at a later date (trust me to find something to worry about even when everything went well!)

Anyway, he did the NT scan and everything seemed fine. He measured various other parts of the baby and everything was fine. Then I had my blood drawn and had to fill in various forms. Everything is being sent to the lab for analysis and I will have my risk profile in about a week. I hope with all my heart that everything will be ok and that the screening results will give me hope. I need to start believing this baby WILL be ok.

I am scheduled for an amniocentisis, regardless of the outcome of the screening test. The doc says he highly recommends we have this done because the first pregnancy miscarried due to a trisomy (trisomy 15). Needless to say, I am terrified.

I so wish that I could just enjoy this pregnancy. I guess it’s still going to be a while before I can finally relax and be a good host to baby.

Let me just say though that seeing baby on that screen again was the best thing in the world. Baby was so beautiful! The image is crystal clear in my mind and every time I think of it, I smile. I love you so much baby.

So here’s to week 12. I’ve made it this far. I hope I make it all the way to end.

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Amazing women

There are so many amazing, strong women out there who are making it through the pain and suffering of miscarriage and supporting others in their struggle. Miscarriage is not talked about much in the media and there is an almost deafening silence about it “out there” in the real world. I think this makes the whole miscarriage experience even lonelier and more frightening than it already is.

But in the virtual world of the Internet, there is a community of amazing women who talk, listen and provide support when you need it most. I am so glad I have managed to tap into that community. 🙂 You guys are great.

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Am I the only one who´s scared?

Today is a bad day. Maybe it´s because I have a terrible cough and am just generally down in the dumps health wise. But I feel pessimistic today. 😦 I feel like I am getting slimmer instead of bigger (even though my weight hasn´t actually budged and I am still two kilos heavier) and I keep wondering whether baby is still in there growing. I wish there was some way I could find out. Fetal dopplers are a good idea in principle, but I am afraid that I wouldn´t be able to find the heartbeat and that I would freak myself out for no reason (or for good reason).

My plan is to drown myself in work until Thursday.

The truth is I´m terrified. All the time. Am I the only one who´s scared? I feel like all the other mums to be (even the ones who have miscarried previously) are braver and stronger than I am. I want to be optimistic, I do. So why am I like this?!

Right, enough ranting and raving. Time to get back to work.

Please be ok baby. We love you so so so much. xxxxxxx

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Restless

I´m restless today. I would like to just fast forward to next week so that I know what is going on and whether everything is ok or not. And then I stop myself and think that maybe, if things are not ok, then next week I will want to turn back time. So this is a reminder to myself to LIVE IN THE MOMENT and to enjoy it, since (as we know all too well) anything can happen…

I have developed quite the pot belly now. I am still trying to wear my normal jeans (not sure why I am doing this, but I think it has something to do with not wanting to jinx the pregnancy in any way… weird, I know) and I struggle to keep them buttoned after I´ve eaten. I´m also trying to cut down on the chocolate and biscuits in the hope that the pot belly (which looks more like a flabby beer gut than a pregnant belly, let´s face it) will start to look firmer and rounder. 😉

I am also finding it really hard to get a good night´s sleep. Most nights, I go to bed uncomfortable and queasy and with a bloated belly, and then just when I have managed to fall asleep (or so it feels) I have to get up and go to the bathroom! They say you get your energy back in week 11, but that hasn´t been the case for me.

I hope this blog can turn into a happy story, one that gives hope to others when the going gets tough. I hope there will be a happy ending for all of us.

And on that note, I am going to go and try to ´live in the moment´… (ha!)

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A note on symptoms

I forgot to say that I told the doctor that I no longer felt so pregnant. He said this was completely normal. When you get to week ten, some of your symptoms might diminish. This is because the placenta is starting to take over. I am still afraid since my symptoms seem to be diminishing at an alarming rate, but I thought I would add this information in case anyone else is going through the same thing. He also said it’s quite normal for them to disappear altogether by week 12.

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Swimming

So our baby seems to be quite the swimmer! Yesterday we saw baby swirling around, moving those tiny arm and leg buds every which way as if to say: “quit poking and prodding and just let me be!” Or maybe that was the way I was feeling. I kept on giggling (baby was so funny!) and every time I laughed my uterus would shake and baby would squirm around even more.

Yesterday we learned that baby’s brain is developing and that baby is more head than body this week. We are now 9 weeks and four days. My 10 week milestone is approaching and of course, my anxiety is building up. The doctor was happy with what he saw and felt there was “no medical reason” to come next week. So our next appointment is 3 weeks from now when I will (hopefully) be 12 weeks along. I freaked out of course and asked him whether I could come in earlier if the anxiety gets too much and he said there’s no problem. I am going to try and keep my cool and not go in next week but I don’t know whether I will be strong enough.

I have already put on lots of weight (2 kilos already!) and am finding it hard to fit into my clothes. I keep on wearing the same pair of jeans day in and day out (charming, I know). The other thing I just can’t seem to shake off is the tiredness. I am tired ALL the time. Every little thing I set out to do feels like a major mission. But I still drag myself out for a swim whenever I can.

So for the next few days I am going to try my best to be optimistic and just enjoy the pregnancy (well, enjoy is a big word, but you know what I mean…) and whenever I feel low, I will remember how baby was swimming away in my belly and take that as a good sign of many happy baby moments to come.

We love you baby! Please make it!

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Anxiety

I haven´t slept. I am so so so worried. I have my first appointment at the Dr´s this evening and I am finding it impossible to think about anything else.

I got up this morning feeling completely ´unpregnant´(ok so that word doesn´t exist, but you know what I mean…). So out came the last remaining pregnancy test. This is a pretty silly thing to do since I am not bleeding and have no other symptoms of miscarriage (your body has to rid itself of the placenta for your hcg levels to drop). But experience has taught me that sometimes miscarriages can be symptomless too. Your body just doesn´t realize it´s over (or maybe, it just doesn´t want to admit that it´s over).

Back to the pregnancy test: the result was positive. I guess I should take that as a good sign, but I am finding it hard. I don´t trust my body anymore.

The thing is, I realize that even anticipating the worst won´t make me any more able to deal with the bad news, should it come. So all this pessimism is pretty futile. I should be hoping for the best. Today, to my knowledge, I am pregnant. The rest is out of my hands.

Fingers crossed that all will be well.

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