Anxiety

I haven´t slept. I am so so so worried. I have my first appointment at the Dr´s this evening and I am finding it impossible to think about anything else.

I got up this morning feeling completely ´unpregnant´(ok so that word doesn´t exist, but you know what I mean…). So out came the last remaining pregnancy test. This is a pretty silly thing to do since I am not bleeding and have no other symptoms of miscarriage (your body has to rid itself of the placenta for your hcg levels to drop). But experience has taught me that sometimes miscarriages can be symptomless too. Your body just doesn´t realize it´s over (or maybe, it just doesn´t want to admit that it´s over).

Back to the pregnancy test: the result was positive. I guess I should take that as a good sign, but I am finding it hard. I don´t trust my body anymore.

The thing is, I realize that even anticipating the worst won´t make me any more able to deal with the bad news, should it come. So all this pessimism is pretty futile. I should be hoping for the best. Today, to my knowledge, I am pregnant. The rest is out of my hands.

Fingers crossed that all will be well.

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Trying again

It´s been four months now since T and I miscarried. We were told to wait at least 3 months before trying again. So after much debate over what the Dr. meant by 3 months (did he mean 3 cycles?), we decided that the waiting period was up  and it was time to try again. I hoped it would happen much as it did the first time: me blissfully unaware of what my body should be doing  (or not doing as the case may be) and  T just enjoying all the loving.  But something had definitely changed. First of all I found myself  worrying that we were not BD-ing enough. This really drove T crazy! Then I spent all my time analyzing myself to see if I could feel any of the tell-tale pregnancy signs. I kept prodding my breasts to see if they were sore (after all the prodding they certainly started to feel sore…). I even began to feel nauseous. This must be a good sign, I thought. I kept making promises to myself to relax and lead as healthy a life as possible while I waited for testing day to come round. Was this really me? Had I really become this pregnancy obsessed person?

After what seemed like an eternity, it was time to test. My period was 1 day late. Out came the testing kit. My hands were shaking as I unwrapped and performed the test. I didn´t expect it to hit me quite so hard.  I closed my eyes and tried to tell myself that it would all be ok even if the test was negative. I would try harder next month, be healthier, exercise more. One more month would also give my lining more time to heal…

Negative. Yup. Very clearly a negative.

Surely this was not how it was supposed to go! Pregnancy will never be the same for me again. I knew it.

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